Cracks in the Vessel

Reflections on the Ebb and Flow of Yoga

by James Tennant

When I was first exposed to yoga, I believe it literally saved my life at a time when I was lost, confused, riddled with depression and turning to drugs and alcohol to self medicate. Yoga has since then been both a form of a life support for me as well as an aid in connecting to the collective consciousness at times when my life wasn’t as rocky.

The moments that have been most profound for me have rarely, if ever, happened on a yoga mat or while practicing a breathing technique. The physical postures and breathwork are important and have a magic to them which elicits the condition of mind necessary to live with more integrity, humility, and awareness. I believe it can teach us how to be still when we want to run, to be courageous when we want to be cowardly. It can help us find strength when we didn’t think there is any left and teach us about vulnerability and humility when pride and ego have peaked. One component of the human condition, however, is that we are fallible. I don’t believe there is anyone, even walking saints, who haven’t been confronted with erroneous thinking or action from time to time.

In the Yoga Sutra 1:30, the sage Patanjali warns us about the perils which may draw us away from practicing diligently and living life honorably. These obstacles are illness, negligence, misperceptions, dullness, laziness, failure, doubt, cravings and instablity. These are often a part of one’s journey – predictable, some will say. For me, the effort and time spent cultivating such conditions of the mind through yoga practices have taken on an ebb and flow over the past 20 years and I have had my share of experience with these challenges.

One commentary on this sutra says that it can be viewed as both a list of challenges and a comfort. Yes, these behaviors and thought patterns are lurking around the corners ready to thwart us, but the comforting part is that their emergence provide the possibility to find the conviction that’s needed to persevere with patience, acceptance, and tapas (passion), to embrace them as a part of our full experience.

When I contemplate how our minds can navigate such extreme thought patterns and in turn affect our behavior, I’m reminded of how within nature, these seemingly opposing forces exist: light-dark, feminine-masculine, firm-soft. It seems, in order to fully appreciate and understand one, we must experience its counterpart wholeheartedly, to experience both ends of the same spectrum. What if a new experience was to be had if both extremes existed within us harmoniously, if there was no discord or sense of battling between the two? What if the two experiences formed a unified, more profound reality, a place where my mind and body could rest with ease?

The possibility of this is enchanting to me and I believe it is worth exploring. To have the wisdom that even in moments when despair, desperation, remorse, guilt, anger, or fear consume us, there is a counterpart that is anchoring us. I’ve begun to consider yoga as an act of unification, a striving to live my life from the space where two opposing forces merge.

My own experience of this type of union have been through moments of forgiveness for myself and others, through the act of compassion shown toward me and from me toward others, embracing fear and asking God to restore faith, and viewing death– whether it be metaphorical or physical– as a form of rebirth and not an end.

Due to the limitations of my mind, I do not always see the full truth of each situation I encounter, but I know if I allow myself to witness life with a more present mind, a more established self and an open heart, the tapestry we are all part of will continue to reveal itself.

Throughout the years, I have also found helpful devices outside the system of yoga to assist me along my spiritual path, so I cannot say that yoga has been the only sustenance in my life. But yoga, tantric philosophy, and ayurveda have been a bonding material which has helped me put pieces of my life back together when it has seemed shattered. It seems the fragility of life lays within the cracks between those shattered pieces. It reminds me, we must take care of ourselves and others to preserve our well-being, even while knowing the cycle of destruction, preservation, and creation is inevitable and most necessary if we intend to evolve.